The Anatomy of a Shower Hijacking

It was almost bedtime.  Bash was asleep and we were enjoying each other's company like parents of crazy 11-month olds do.  Relaxing!  These days relaxing includes cuddling up on the sofa and watching television.  We're almost done with "The Wire" now.  If it was just me I'd be done already, but Swedie wants to get through this one together.  I'm fine with that.  Sometimes you've got to sacrifice.

As with every night, Swedie stopped after a gripping episode and said we can't watch anymore.  She has class in the morning and she needs to be focused.  Way to prioritize!  I was sleepy anyway and I had work in the morning myself.  Bash is a full-time job.  I decided I would take a shower and go to bed.  Sensible decision for a sensible man.

Swedie and I have been together so long that we've gotten over the whole showering together thing.  It was cute and romantic at first, but now it's a hassle.  She likes the water hotter than me, she's not a sharer of said hot water and I don't like freezing in the back of the shower while waiting to burn in boiling water.  It can't be good for the body as a whole.

Now we take turns.  Normally Swedie jumps in first.  She's always in a hurry to get stuff done.  I brush my teeth.  We may chit chat a bit.  Or I stay out of the bathroom altogether and just get a shower while she's asleep.  But this night I got in first.  I would enjoy my shower at my perfect temperature while Swedie waited for a change.  Bad call.

First, Swedie came in talking to me.  Whatever.  I can hardly hear her, but I have the timing down of my "Mhm... yeah... mmm..." to an exact science.  I can fake interest with the best of them and as long as I agree with whatever she is saying, I'm good.  When her voice goes up an octave I know she just asked me a question.  So then I just act like I've been rinsing my face or something.

       - Say that again, Swedie?!

Then I listen for the question and answer it like a pro.  But this time was different.  No questions.  Just chit chat.  Then the voice got closer and the shower curtain opened.  What?  Why did she get it?  You impatient...  But I didn't say anything.  Now we were talking face to face.  I had to listen.  You know, Swedie actually says some interesting things whenever I listen.  I digress.

I didn't really know what was happening just yet.  I was at the lather stage of my shower.  Just soaping up and washing away terrible and embarrassing images from my past like always.  She was standing at the back of the shower and talking to me.  I figured she was in a hurry like always so maybe she's pressuring me to speed up my shower.  So controlling.  I washed a little faster as I engaged in the conversation like a good husband.  Then she took a step forward into my stream of water while I was talking.  I subconsciously stepped to the side.  Now we're sharing the water and standing sideways facing each other.

She talked more while rinsing her body.  I listened.  I don't remember the conversation, but she got me into a good discussion.  I chimed in with my (undoubtedly brilliant) thoughts.  She reached over with her left hand and adjusted the water temperature without breaking eye contact with me.  I didn't notice it at the time.  I was in the middle of sharing great pieces of wisdom with my wife.

The water was too hot for me.  I stepped back out of the stream and Swedie turned her entire body into the stream of water.  Now her back was to me.  Now I'm at the back of the shower.  How did this happen to me?  I got in first!  I was actually lathering up!  I have soap on me and some embarrassing past to wash off of me!  I thought she loved me.  I stood there in the cold air with soap in my ears and watched Swedie take a full, hot shower.  It was only then that I realized that I had been the victim of a shower hijacking.  She lured me in with a good conversation.  She let me take over the conversation that she probably didn't care about.  Then she made me uncomfortable in my own shower and took it for herself.

Let this be a warning to you.  The hijackings go on every day and night at a shower near you.  I think back and realize that she's done this before.  She's a pro at it.  They all are.  It extends past the shower.  They hijack TVs, microwaves, bed territory, you name it.  Don't be fooled like I was.  Take your shower back.  Until next time...

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